I've Moved!

I decided to move things over to a new site this weekend, so you can catch my musings here: Pop Smatterings.

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, Week 5: In which we learned about the Valentine's Day Jamie cooked naked

Icebergs melted, walls fell, unicorns danced in circles, bison burgers were enjoyed by all, and Alice paid Jamie a tiny bit of praise.  After months of gentle wooing, Jamie has almost succeeded in endearing himself to Alice and becoming the British person she almost tolerates*.  Our story began with Jamie and Rod from the radio telling stories, laughing laughs, and working in harmony at the morning show until Doug Shiels, the man in charge of the local hospital called into the radio station and offered himself up as Jamie's next quasi-adversary/eventual partner in health-making. After finding out that even more people were worried about how Huntington would appear on television**, Jamie cut to the chase, told some dude in a suit that his objections were really weird, and then told the group of worried skeptics how much money he needed.

With the money business put to the side for the rest of the episode, Jamie headed back to the schools to complete the cycle of the narrative before next week's episode.  In what he thought was a risky (but I thought was pretty savvy) move, Jamie apologized to a mob of disinterested-looking, texting teenagers for taking away their french fries and told them that his success or failure was basically in their hands.  In what appeared to be a response to the idea that Jamie respected them mingled with curiosity about the promise of  pasta for lunch, the high schoolers were kind enough not to destroy the show.  Oh, and some kids drank plain milk, the principal of the elementary school lost some weight, and everyone's skin is looking a lot better.

Product placement of the week:  Last week's Green Giant product placement was a little odd, but this week's mini-ad for Green Truck worked a lot better.  While it was still a little awkward because the little interview/explanation very much an advertisement, at least with Green Truck we could see it in action and actually introducing a new idea into the community.  I'm pretty sure Huntingtonians were aware of frozen vegetables in the B.O. (Before Oliver) era.

----------------
* I sort of love Alice, and mostly because she's totally a super hard sell and generally unimpressed by everyone.  She seems like one of those people who doesn't let you know where you stand with her unless she has to, but who also has a legitimate problem with being malicious or the cause of anyone's downfall.  I thought this was especially apparent when she was honest about how Jamie's programs were working in the school (some kids like some things better than others - fair enough), but she wasn't going to submarine the whole thing, either.
** I really had no idea that Huntingtonians being portrayed as having an obesity issue on t.v. might be a deterrent for new industry.  I kind of thought that businesses that find West Virginia attractive would find it attractive regardless of how an AP wire interprets a CDC report.

16 and Pregnant, Week 9 (Lizzie): Do we have a 2010 version of "emo" yet?

Before I can say anything - and I mean anything - about this week's episode of 16 and Pregnant, I need to get this out of my system:  SERIOUSLY??????!!!!!!!! An aspiring glassblower/part-time thrift store employee named Skylar?  Who cheats on you, like, the same week*  you get pregnant and then cries sincere emo tears and gives you the space you need until you decide to take him back?  IF WE CANNOT LEARN FROM THE 1990s, WE ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT THEM.

Ahem.

On this week's 16 and Pregnant, we learned that babies mean giving up your dreams of becoming a flutist for the Virginia Symphony, that parades are generally boring for teenagers**, and, that contrary to popular belief, the pregnancy belly-button ring does exist***.  For the majority of the episode, Lizzie fluctuated between being responsible (congrats - for real- on finishing high school five months early through home school), being an entitled only child (it's a known fact that parents know nothing and teenage children are always smarter), and oddly ridiculous (Seriously, you didn't keep up with your birth control because you didn't want a pelvic exam?  Yeah, I can see how having a kid is less invasive than an hour in the stirrups.).

I did like how Lizzie and Skylar were really trying hard to maintain some independence through careful budgeting and planning in the very small space of Lizzie's bedroom, but I felt as though their experience of the  world didn't extend beyond those walls.  When Lizzie was out with her friends at the midpoint of the episode and was bragging all about her perfect baby, her perfect life, and her perfect relationship, I couldn't help but think that she was both insufferable and hopelessly naive****.  And I think I was right on both counts.  While I've been worried for the past couple of weeks about the general feeling of unbearable weight at the end of recent episodes, this time I was worried about the larger context for Lizzie's behavior after the baby was born.  Lizzie - while in some ways, just run-of-the-mill 18 year-old mixed with a little only child for good measure - took on a new, and very unexplained pattern of behavior when she became more and more adamant about not wanting to be physically separated from the baby (even when Skylar was holding her).

The lack of discussion about this seemed larger than the conversations about it,  as did Lizzie's lack of self awareness and her immaturity, which was immune to even the most pithy attempt to permeate the thick teenage skull in 16 and Pregnant history: (to paraphrase), "I wish I had been as smart as you when I was younger.  Because everything I thought I knew, I turned out to be wrong about."

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

-----------------------------
* Math is mine, not MTV's.  But, seeing as Lizzie is about 8+ months pregnant when she finds out that Skylar looked up with some girl named Krista (or something) 8 months ago, I think if we use my patented "counting backwards" method, we can construct a timeline that supports my hypothesis.  On another note, why was I the only person nodding "yes," in response to the question, "Do you think he would cheat on you?"
** This was puzzling.  I would have thought that most teenagers had already discovered this when they realized they were too old to have candy thrown at them and too young to be publicly drunk in the name of St. Patrick/America/the Harvest.  While my brother may have had a buttload of fun marching with the band in high school at town parades (I'm not sure, I haven't asked), when I was Lizzie's age, I really liked that parades meant that there was an empty house for sleeping in late and having some alone time while the rest of my family was out standing in the street.
*** Again, have these kids never heard of the '90s?  Aside from learning about the existence of pregnancy belly button rings, I also learned that people still get belly button rings.
**** Most people over the age of 18 can tell you that the second you start letting a little of that "my life is so perfect business" fly, you might as well throw the shit directly into the fan yourself.

The Celebrity Apprentice, Week 5: Did Bret Make Us Feel Something Real?

This week was all about family and commitments outside of The Celebrity Apprentice: Sharon Osbourne still had the black plague (which Trump wasn't so ready to forgive), Cyndi Lauper got to meet President Obama and prove that she's not just Tenacity's lovable screw-up, Michael Johnson left the show for undisclosed reasons related to his son, Bret lost his shit over and over again because his daughter might be diabetic like him, and Goldberg showed us that he's really uncomfortable when other men cry.  Okay, so that last bit didn't have anything to do with a player's attention being drawn away from the game, but in all honesty, Goldberg did look like he wanted to be anywhere else than with a sobbing Bret Michaels.  We also watched Donald Trump clean the floor with all the contestants (except Maria and her major boots) in the saddest game of H-O-R-S-E ever  televised (I mean, it's for charity, people!  You can't even hit the rim?) while Ivanka looked on in cold disinterest.  In other news, we learned that Summer and Holly are still going strong in their mean girl love fest, Selita doesn't know that her type of pretty doesn't last forever (and apparently, doesn't cloud George's vision), and Maria has been marked as the snake in the grass on team Tenacity.  Over at Rock Solid, Curtis showed us he could lead (with Clyde Drexler co-starring as his personal chorus of common sense) as his team literally dissolved around him - in terms of numbers AND pools of tears*.  When it came to firing time, Selita** was unmoved by the termination of her fake employment and appeared to be willing to engage only with the very unnecessary Trump elevator operator.  My favorite part of the episode, however, was noting how everyone was trying to think of a new way to say "throw under the bus" without saying the actual phrase: "push off a dock," "throw under the car," "crush with my velocipede," "toss under a truck," "perambulate all over," and so on.

Unsolicited prediction:  Everyone on the women's team keeps talking about how Maria's the person to watch out for, but I think Summer Sanders is the real one to keep an eye on.  While she's tight with Holly, that's going to change the longer they're in this game together.  We can't forget that Summer tried to get rid of BOTH Sharon and Cyndi by pretending that she forgot they had passes and good reasons for not participating.  Basically, Summer tried to play it all nice girl and eliminate one player that annoys her and another player that could be a competitive obstacle.  Summer's playing it cool and pretending to be - as Sharon put it "little Miss Perfect" - but this is an act a blind man can see.  You can take me out for hot dog when she literally pushes Holly in front of a New York City taxi trying to out-fundraise*** her. 


-----------------------
* For a cool/interesting discussion of how Bret Michaels actually brought reality to The Celebrity Apprentice through his relatively raw displays of emotion this week, check out Dalton Ross's recap at Ew.com.  He says it better than I ever could and, I believe, admits to being moved to tears by the increasingly complex lead singer of Poison. 
** Yeah, I'll admit I learned her name.  But she's gone now, so it doesn't matter.
***There have been no fundraising challenges so far this season.  I think we need one, because that type of challenge tends to really bring the out the nasty.

The most perfect spring song ever?

 

Ever since I graduated kindergarten, I haven't really connected much to Sesame Street, but this duet by Jason Mraz and Elmo managed to put all the feelings I have on a sunny day to music. 

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, Week 4: All We Eat Nowadays is Beef Stir Fry

And they were cookin', cookin' in the streets...because Jamie was trying to win a bet.  This week's episode* took a break from the will they/won't they tension between Alice and Jamie in the elementary school kitchen and focused on Jamie's work in the larger Huntington community.  I was too young for Moonlighting, but I imagine that the chemistry between Jamie and Alice is like watching Cybil Shepherd and Bruce Willis all over again. While I'm glad we escaped the tedium of the permit office at town hall and spent more time capturing the magic of a Marshall University dance program flash mob, I would still like some more reality in this particular reality program.  We did see Jamie promoting the Cook-a-Thon and Jamie's Kitchen through interpretive dance, the shortened format of the show doesn't allow us to actually appreciate the enormity of Jamie's task and the popular opposition he faced in Huntington.  The quickened pace of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution gave us a story arc that threw up plot flags at every turn:

• Jamie grows sad and frustrated with Rod from the radio, 
• Jamie attempts to win Rod over by ordinary means, 
• But Jamie must resort to extraordinary means,
• And managest to win Rod over with emotional appeals and boyish British charm, 
• And by Friday everyone feels good and completes a giant picture wall.  

There's a lot to like here; I just wish we could slow down a little and see how it actually all happens because I'm worried that the Huntingtonites (?) (Huntingtonians?) only know how to make beef stir fry.

------------------------------

* We also learned that it's been two months since episode one, which means that time flies when you're having fun in West Virginia.  Do I have to contact Ryan Seacrest directly to get some answers about the collapsed pace of this show?  Because I WILL write him a letter.

A Cyndi of Another Era

 

While she wasn't a major player in this week's The Celebrity Apprentice because she was in Washington, D.C. watching the president sign hate crimes legislation into law, seeing Cyndi sing a little on tonight's episode made me want to post a little tribute to her.  My review of tonight's episode should be ready in a day or two.  So, until then, enjoy.

16 and Pregnant, Week 8 (Leah): Exit Ex-Boyfriend, Pursued by Bear

Having never been one, I'm no expert on teenage boys, but from what I understand, they tend to get really weird about being eyed as father material for other people's babies.  In this week's plus sized episode of 16 and Pregnant (more than one baby = more story), we met the super fertile couple Leah and Corey, the participants in an "I'm sure my Depo shot still has some juice left in it" rebound encounter in Corey's beloved truck.  While we saw a few tender moments from the newly formed but now permanently linked couple when Leah peed her pants, the rest of the hour and a half was a slow-burn of pain*.  Though I thought it went on a bit too long at the time, I'm beginning to appreciate the length of the episode for the following lessons learned:

1. It is necessary to keep up with the maintenance of one's birth control**
2. Denial is nasty (the lies Leah and company told themselves include, but are not limited to: at school, it's like I don't have have babies at all; when she's at school, I pretend she doesn't have babies because she seems the same to me; he'll love me just the same if I want him back; senior year of high school is super important)
3. For better or worse, it is impossible to select a different father for your children after the fact
4. If you attempt to do #3, the consequences will be painful.

Until I took a step back and realized that Leah was a very young 17, I started to get angry with her as she took a flamethrower to her personal life and threw herself into a social world of friends who seemed to get off on being terrible enablers (Where on earth was that Kayla girl for most of this episode?).  Having taught for a few years, I can spot trouble, but Leah doesn't have my superpowers and was thus completely blind to the fact that Robbie was the bad, selfish kind of trouble that you look back on at 25 and pat yourself on the back for leaving behind and Corey was the redeemable, somewhat disappointing kind of trouble.  Leah's episode was exhausting - from her hard, hard pregnancy to the emotionally draining way she carried on and then was smacked with the consequences - and even though I said it last week, I'm still worried that the kids are not okay.

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

--------------------------
* And yes, most episodes of 16 and Pregnant are studies in pain and sadness.  But this week was a new animal entirely. 
** While MTV is good at giving definitions of what's going on medically on 16 and Pregnant, I feel  like the gesture towards getting more information about birth control by running those commercials that sends viewers to a website is a little half-assed.  I think there's room for definitions of birth control and their proper use and potential for misuse when it inevitably gets discussed during the whole "how I ended up a pregnant teenager" part of the story.  For example, in Episode 5, I know how and why Lori got pregnant by mixing her birth control with antibiotics.  In fact, my exact words were, "Well, shit, that will do it."  But it was such a short moment in the episode that it seems like a casual, less well-versed teenager might not put all the pieces together.  This week, I knew how and why Leah could have forgotten to get a shot (outside of probably thinking she didn't need to keep up with it because she wasn't with Robbie anymore) because Depo Provera (which I'm assuming is what she was on when she said she got shots) lasts for 12 weeks, and the gap between doses can make it easy to forget when you're due if you're not super on top of it. 

Seven Sentence Review: Celebrity Apprentice, "Muggles and Wizards," (Week 4)

I am coming to realize that when I settle down for an evening of competitive celebrity reality television, a show like The Celebrity Apprentice forces me to confront several key issues in today's infotainment.  The harsh reality of the world we live in that I faced this week was this: When is the attempt to rehabilitate or improve one's image by starring on celebrity reality show so futile that it actually reinforces and adds dimension to one's already questionable reputation?  On an unrelated note, should I be identifying with Bret Michaels as much as I do, especially when he notes that some people on his team are starting to sound like child molesters in the dark, smoke-filled, Harry Potter-themed room they've lured a group of children into?  Much has been made of Rod Blagojevich's technological incompitance and Donald Trump's nearly desperate (and correct*) attempt to fire Bret Michaels instead of getting rid of the governor, but today I'd like to speak about my favorite aspect of Rod Blagojevich's character: he cannot stop simultaneously lying and telling the truth. In the boardroom, NOTHING was the incompetent project manager's fault.  According to Blagojevich, honestly assessing your boss like Curtis Stone and Michael Johnson did is part of an elaborate personal vendetta, but he absolutely refused to put blame on the person (Bret Michaels) who absorbed his incompetence and who was the most likely target for Trump's firin' hand**.  The best and most demonstrative part of the show (meaning it shows both why Rod Blagojevich is probably the person most of us think he is and why he makes compelling television): When Donald Trump asked that really ambitious Victoria's Secret model*** what the former governor was doing on the plane home from Florida and she answered that Blagojevich was sleeping, Blagojevich's response was not to own up to the fact, but to note that while this whole thing happened on camera, he was wearing sunglasses, which means no one can prove any of this beyond a reasonable doubt.

 ---------------------
* It was noted in a recap at EW.com this week that Trump's attempts to get Blagojevich to bring Michaels back into the boardroom for firing time was a self-interested move.  And I think that recap was dead on.  Because Rod Blagojevich makes for far more interesting television than Bret Michaels does.  Next to the former governor, Michaels looks like a down-to-earth everyguy who just likes to hit on anything vaguely female, like your high school friend's really creepy dad.  Or in my case, the orthodontist.  And that doesn't really bring The Celebrity Apprentice party.  Working for RockSolid, the governor is a hot mess; Michaels is just vaguely annoying.
** Even Bret appeared confused about not being held accountable for being the de facto project manager and admitted that he should be up for firing.
***I am still not going to learn her name.  She was good, but she's not long for this show.  Sharon Osbourne's bronchitis or plague or something is going to clear up soon and she's going to become even more powerful.  Telling the other women that without Cyndi, watching Tenacity work together would be like watching ice melt was just part of a much longer, multi-level plan that knocks out good, but boring players.

Tulips!

It's been a crazy week, and I plan on going on a review-posting bonanza soon, but until then, enjoy the flowers. They're pretty. 

I got my mom to give me these after complaining on Easter that no one gives me flowers during my family's traditional post-bagel brunch flower exchange.  (Note: Basically, I made the case that I am no different from my 94 year-old aunt and should be treated equally.  The main exception to this new maxim is that I still expect my duck-themed Easter basket to be hidden cleverly and full of Peeps.)  I'm an adult who doesn't live with her parents, so I don't see why I'm still counted as a member of my parents' household for flower allotments.  (Read: I am actually too lazy and cheap to spend $5.99 at Wegmans and get my own bunch of tulips.)  Then, my mom said she'd give them to me, and I said they were hers. (This was the moment when I realized that I had complained about flowers I could easily buy myself and that might wilt while being transported across state lines.)  Then, she told me she wanted me to have them.  So I took them and enjoyed them all week. (Success.)

Thank you, Dooce

While my situation last week bore no resemblance to Heather Armstrong's (like, I didn't get to go to the White House and then have people crap all over me for it), I totally felt it when she wrote these lines last week:

Some of you, and you know exactly who you are, you can go right ahead and suck it.

I'm a regular Dooce reader, even though I am not a mom and appear to be less cool than the entire Armstrong family, I was totally on board with her standing up to the shit she got for being selected to attend the White House Forum on Workplace Flexibility*.  She made some excellent points in her post "Because it needs to be said," especially when she pointed out the fact that most people - naysayers and supporters alike - wouldn't have known about the Forum if she hadn't announced she was going.  AND it was on a topic that is both interesting and important for a lot of people.  AND I'm glad she drew my attention to it so that I could watch some of the Forum in my office and see that my government actually has an interest in discussing how a lot of people (particularly women) work and live in this country.  Especially since this grad school business prompts a lot of inner wrangling about how to balance work and life both now and in the future.  For a lot of people, the fact that there's a larger conversation going on about this type of issue in our government should be the thing to take note of.  Getting pissy over who actually got invited though, that's just silly.  Because really, a successful small business owner who basically leads her field is going to get invited to the White House before the rest of us slobs any day.  And she seems to know what she's talking about, so I'm good.

And while she'll probably never see this, I'm glad that Heather Armstrong shares her cool adventures, her life, and her humor with the rest of us hanging around the internet.  And I, too, would like to sit down and have a beer or four with her, especially because she would probably be a great help when I need to someone to peer edit my screeds in which I tell others to suck it.



-------------------------------
* And it was an actual government forum, not a fancy code name for Dooce Day at the White House.  It seems Heather Armstrong had to work rather than shop with Michelle, hang out in sweatpants in the Oval Office and shoot the shit with the President, and test drive Marine One to see if she wanted it for her personal use.  It also appears that she wasn't the only person there, but I guess that might be hard to see with tunnel vision.

Seven Sentence Reviews: Behind the Times Edition

I watched a lot of television last week, but wrote very little about it.  I'd like to say I was digesting what I had seen and mulling it over in order to craft intelligent and interesting responses, but that would be a lie.  I'd also like to blame my tardiness on my intensive Easter preparations, but since the holiday was less than 24 hours ago, it seems too soon to make up lies about it.  But now that I'm back, here are my reviews of the reality shows I watched and learned from this week.

16 and Pregnant: Week 7 (Nicole)
New week, new Nicole, whose friends are forcing me to issue the following public service announcement: If I am ever pregnant and at your slumber party and am experiencing discomfort, PLEASE CALL THE HOSPITAL or, at least, LOOK CONCERNED, because I might be watching your ass on MTV someday.  Oh, and if I am like, two seconds away from being someone's mom, please make sure I'm not caught on camera prank-calling prostitutes.  This week, we defied the standard 16 and Pregnant formula of immature father/rapidly maturing mother and went with an immature/immature dynamic with mixed results.  Everything was sort of strange, with both Nicole and Tyler appearing to be both ready for parenthood and far too young to understand what it meant, Nicole's mom being oddly supportive, and Tyler's mom being the only voice of reason (things were getting a little strange with no one having a problem with those two reproducing).  In contrast to last week's pregnant-child-of-a-teenage-parent dynamic that came off as supportive and helpful, this week Tyler's mom Farrah, who had him at 17, was rightfully and fully pissed at her son for most of the episode.  She softened when he went back to school, but the episode made it clear that unlike Nicole's mom, Farrah would not be giving herself over to the baby party and would be the one who was unafraid to set the kids straight on some of the finer points of baby-raising (like how all the adults were sick of having a baby foisted on them in a relatively predictable rotation).  After a hour long game of musical baby, we seemed to realize that babies have bedtimes, need stable homes, and that in this instance, the kids might not be okay.

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution: Week 3 ("Jamie cooks for Huntington High School")
I am pleased to announce that no British chefs were harmed in the filming of this episode's critical french fry-removal scene.  While continuing to sow the seeds of discontent with Alice over at the elementary school (while also making some very positive changes), Jamie headed off to Huntington High school to see if he could build a rag-tag group of junior chefs who could help him change the food culture for the bigger kids.   After a quick cooking lesson and a few scenes of Jamie listening to the teenagers tell their stories, Jamie asked the Bad News Bears of cooking to help him prepare a fundraising dinner for local dignitaries, a senator, and their parents.  And the kids rose to the occasion, even though there were bumps along the way, which made the show seem far sunnier than it actually is.  While Jamie made significant inroads with the group of kids he surrounded himself with at the high school, it seems as though there's plenty to still be done and that the food guidelines by which he must comply are absolutely ridiculous (not enough veggies in that pasta?  are you kidding me?).  Like I said during the premiere, this show is setting up clear heroes and villains, even though some of those villains are reluctant bureaucrats and workers who are actually just trying to do the jobs they're good at.  The main silver lining to everything, though, was that it was genuinely nice to see teenagers on prime-time television voice valid opinions and be accepted by their community as having something of value to contribute.

Hump Day Musical Interlude

In my mind, these songs are in a number of interesting conversations with each other.  And while I could outline them for you, I'll leave it open-ended so that you have something to think about that's more pleasant than work.  Also, you can ponder this if you have a boring meeting to go to and you need to be wearing your thinking face.
 

The simple emotional power of a rosin bag

Because I've grown to heart Modern Family's Ty Burrell and because nothing really tops a good sports rant other than pretending that those moments are carefully scripted by an aspiring playwright, I give you "Gamechangers Episode 1: The Rant Writer" and wish you a happy Tuesday.  And maybe, just maybe, we'll see some of your work off, off Broad Street in Philadelphia or winning the ESPY it deserves.

Gamechangers Ep. 1: The Rant Writer from Ty Burrell

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

After last season's Joan Rivers-dominated pit viper fest that was The Celebrity Apprentice, I decided that I had had my Celebrity Apprentice fix and that I would skip this season in a semi-vain attempt to refine my television tastes.  And then last week rolled around and I needed to kill some time waiting for Jamie Olivier's Food Revolution.  After watching the last twenty minutes of Minute to Win It, which made me sad about America, I happened to catch the first half of the second episode of this season, which was enough to get me hooked again.  And, upon further reflection, I realized that in some ways, I need The Celebrity Apprentice. Because no other show allows me to write sentences like the ones I'm about to write about last night's episode.

So, here we go.  On the men's team, Rock Solid, Rod Blagojevich may have no idea how to operate a computer, but he and Bret Michaels did have some legitimate concerns about the wordiness of the advertorial.  I have absolutely no idea how and why everyone - especially Goldberg - is so attached to Darryl Strawberry.  Evidently, Darryl is a far more charismatic and energetic member of the team than I've noticed, which makes me think that he must have made the mistake of setting up his workspace behind the camera man, which is an honest mistake that I'm sure happens all the time.  Or maybe everyone just loves that he always knows when he should order pizzas for the group.  I completely understand why Michael Johnson selected Curtis Stone as the product spokesperson; aside from cooking being trendy, Curtis is the most objectively attractive man on that team and he's Australian.  So, whenever possible, it makes excellent business sense to have him literally shake his moneymaker because this is for charity, people.

As for the women's team, Tenacity, I think Summer Sanders needs to stop talking down to Cyndi Lauper and be careful that Sharon Osbourne doesn't knock her into next Tuesday.  Actually, Holly Robinson Peete and that Victoria's Secret model whose name I don't care to learn need to back up off of Cyndi, too.  Holly Robinson Peete, however, is strangely good at PowerPoint and I'm starting to wonder what she's been up to since Hangin' with Mr. Cooper went off the air.  Sharon Osbourne will be there till the nearly bitter end, I think, if her lungs hold out and she doesn't come across too many executives who are prudish about salty language.  Also, I think we need to start using Cyndi's soft focus lens for Bret, who needs to develop enough self-awareness about the fact that when you're a dad in your forties and you make a point of creepily smiling at and hanging around the youngest, most attractive lady in the room, you are a bit of a creeper.  Even if VH1 once gave you two buses full of strippers to make out with.

Other tips for Bret Michaels: 1.) Avoid smiling like that at Ivanka.  You've been caught on camera doing it once and everyone's noticed; and 2.) You're from Pennsylvania, which precludes you from being able to wear a cowboy hat to a business meeting.

Also, poor Don Jr., whose main function seems to be our everyguy of the Trump family (since there's something strangely endearing about him and his main function appears to be to be told to be quiet), appears to have been the family Mets fan* growing up.  I detected a noticeable lip quiver when Darryl Strawberry offered himself up to be fired.  Aside from being able to write these types of sentences, what really makes these two hours of my Sunday evenings worth it are the slow-motion, overly dramatic walking-out-of-the-boardroom sequences that end every episode.


----------------------------
*Every New York area family has one, and I just get the impression that Ivanka, more clearly favored by the gods, was the Yankee fan.

Seven Sentence Review: Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, Week 2

Back in my America's Next Top Model days, I used to settle in with a big old plate of cheese and watch people much taller than me learn how to smize and not look commercial and buy into the myth that Tyra Banks is the best and only model in the world forever and ever, amen.  During this week's two hour official premiere event of Jamie Olvier's Food Revolution I found myself once again sitting in front of my television, watching Jamie Oliver try to fix Huntington, West Virginia, while eating the most godawful crap (with dipping sauces!) I could get delivered to my house (note: if you are toying with the idea of eating something terrible for you that you can order online, DO NOT call my brother and see what he thinks).  And while my dinner has me thinking I'll change my ways, after Friday's episode I've decided I will, in fact, stick with Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, and not just because I need to mend my ways.  While I still think there are elements of the show that are simplified a bit too much (where did he get that pea costume?  when  and how did he put sneakers on before running through the playground?  this stuff keeps me up at night) after reading Tood VanDerWerff's review at the A.V. Club I did have to admit that there are plenty of interesting things going on on this show, and the most interesting thing of all is that that no one is wholly right or wrong.  Oliver is a pesty outsider who clearly oversteps sometimes, but he's trying to do good while his lispy British toddlers miss him terribly.  And for the people who live in Huntington, it's really easy to see why things are the way they are and why a stranger's interference - regardless of how well-intentioned - is not always welcome (especially when, in the case of Alice and her tough-as-nails band of elementary school cooks, he's creating more work and interfering with a system that works and that they do very well).  But the real reasons I'm sticking around are these:  1.) I like what Oliver is doing in working with Justin Edwards (aside from teaching that kid how to get ladies through cooking) and  2.) I'm really, really curious to see how, exactly, this all plays out because if it took that long to get those kids utensils for lunch, I don't know what kind of timeline you need for real change.

Bonus: Stickers ALWAYS work.  I'd STILL try something new if I got a sticker for it.

A Saturday reminder of my secret semi-emo past

The first part of 2003 (like January to May) was sort of a formative and strange time for me.  I look back at that time as the actual start of my adult life and the early stages of shit getting real.  The rest of 2003 falls in line with that description, but in order to write about it I'd need a bottle of vodka, a straw, and someone who takes dictation and understands slurring.  Because I have a desire to keep bystanders out of my personal crossfire, all I can really say is that there was a lot going on during my last semester of college (and yes, if you're wondering, if I knew you then, you're probably being referred to in the most general and indirect way possible, but don't worry, it's not about you, really).  And today, while I was driving home from my Ikea bookshelf buying adventure, the radio jolted me to exactly seven years ago.

But before I go on, I should mention that my musical tastes are, as they say, eclectic, and in some instances, saying I have so-so taste is putting it mildly.  Though I do like good stuff.  I'm just drawn to easy marks.

Anyway, if you were one of those people who I knew in 2003 and you visited my apartment, then you were probably in listening distance of the CD I was writing to.  (Side note: I used to be a really adorable English major.  Then I went to grad school, developed intolerances for phrases other than "outside the box," and stopped worrying so much about setting up ideal writing conditions.)  But, as you may or may not know I'm not big on playing music for others.  (See above discussion of personal awareness of taste for further explanation.)  And I especially wouldn't have been during my Dashboard Confessional writing music stage, which I think I might be more embarrassed of than my James Taylor writing stage*.

So, why discuss this now?  Well, today I think I finally learned that you really can't escape your past.  Especially when you're on the Northeast Extension of the PA Turnpike singing your heart out to this:

 

And I was really, really FEELING it.  So, I figured why not just give up the ghost and post my favorite "angsty English major whose brother burns CDs for her" song.  So, I give you this, for your listening pleasure (or whatever you'd call it):

 

------------------------

*No offense to Dashboard Confessional, of course.  It's just that I can look back at certain periods of my life when I may or may not have been My So-Called Life-deep and embrace my goofier moments.  And this actually does fall in the goofy category that I'm okay with.

Friday Morning Quarterbacking: Wet Laundry Edition

Did you ever have a perfect plan?  Like one that involved watching two hours of television while your dryer chugged steadily along, delivering warm, perfect whites to your laundry basket?  Did you ever end up with a handful of damp, gross white t-shirts on Friday afternoon when you realized you forgot your plan?

Well, at least I didn't let my whites sit there until Sunday.  So, let's turn to the portion of Thursday evening that I got right - sitting on the couch - and see what happened.

1.)  Community - "The Science of Illusion"
Tonight, Community was the show that offered us one of NBC's episodes from the future.  Because nothing gets me in the spirit of April Fool's Day like defying the time-space continuum.  Or maybe I just grew up in the part of America that doesn't get all hyped up about April 1st on March 25.  You know what, it's probably me.  But tonight's episode was all about pranks and badassery, so maybe the time travel aspect of the episode was just a way of being really, really badass.  My mixed emotions:

• More than any other part of the show, I was really into the Annie/Shirley bad cop-bad cop routine.  Community is at its best when its consciously being something else, and the added benefit of Abed's cable going out and forcing him to hold together the police drama story line worked for me.  (I'm trying to figure out when it would be best to use the line "I've got moves I haven't even seen yet.")
• Not working for me was the "buzzkill" Britta story line.  We all know she's a buzzkill, but focusing on her attempts to avoid being one by pulling a disastrous prank just felt hollow.  Maybe it's because I feel like that character has the least to offer.  Or maybe it's because the episode sort of drew on that fact for comedy.  I will budge on one point, though.  The outside chatter as the corpse slid out the window and on to campus was sort of fun.
• Yes, Pierce is silly.  Got it.  Move on.  Chevy Chase seems like he's getting bored.
• I'm a big fan of the Dean, and my favorite line of the evening comes from him: "At Greendale, April 1st is officially March 32nd forever."
• I really, really love the end of the show Troy and Abed segments, and this week's "Troy and Abed in the Morning," complete with theme show and fake-clip watching was awesome.

 

2.) Parks and Recreation - "Summer Catalog"
Thank goodness her representative announced that Amy Poehler was pregnant before this week's episode, because otherwise I would have spent an entire half hour sitting too close to the t.v. and obsessively rewinding with my TiVo.  I really enjoyed the way this episode took a single task - the compilation of the Pawnee Parks Department Summer Catalog - in a two different ways directions.  And while Leslie's picnic with the former Parks Directors unfolded in an enjoyably terrible way, other parts of the evening were, well... Offerings:

• Why is Rashida Jones always playing the same role?  And why is it always intensely boring?  I feel like she could do more in just about everything she's in, but she mostly seems to get cast to fill space and look pretty.  Please, Parks and Recreation, you've improved so much.  Give her something to do before I wish they ship her out of town with Mark at the end of the season.
• Speaking of Mark, they're really laying it on thick with the whole "Ann's in denial about not really being into him" thing.  While it was nice that they weren't Jim and Pamming us to death with Mark and Ann, now that Paul Schneider's exit has been announced, making Ann visibly unhappy (while Mark is goofy and oblivious) reads as though the character's shouldn't let the door hit him on the way out.
• Also, speaking of Mark, remember when that character did stuff that was sort of funny, too? 
• Enough negativity.  I actually really liked this episode's Parks Directors' reunion and Leslie Knope's freakout over who these men really were.  Also, I big-time LOVED the sexist jokes by the oldest former Parks Director.  I too, don't get enough blood to my brain because of my lady parts, which prevents me from taking on leadership roles.
• While it's clear I didn't like the Mark/Ann picture story line (though I did like "make your face better" and might yell it at a student), I did like its parallel with Andy and April on the cover of the Summer Catalog.  I also like that there was a complication in the course of things last night when Andy freaked out over the age difference in a kind of half jerky, half deer-in-the-headlights way.

3.)  The Office - "Happy Hour"

Okay, not bad, not bad.  But we still have a ways to go before I learn to trust again.  That said, tonight's Happy Hour get together was a step in a good direction.  It's rare to see an episode driven by Oscar's machinations to get a date, but I think it worked out all right.  Also, I'm sort of digging how  Darryl works upstairs now and is smarter than everyone else (which we already know was the case in terms of Michael and Darryl, but it's nice to see that he's more perceptive than everyone).  Thoughts:

• Is Pam that bored at home that she's willing to help Michael date?  I would have thought she'd be glad to have distance from his love life after the whole dating her mom/slapping him in the parking lot incident.  It also seemed to ring false that Jim and Pam would set Michael up with ANY friend of theirs.  Unless, of course, they were trying to break up with that friend.
• I did like Pam's excitement about leaving the house, though.  
• I'm really liking how Andy and Erin cannot navigate a relationship within ordinary bounds.  After seasons of studied Jim and Pam tension, it's nice to see what dating in bizzarro world looks like.
• Date Mike wasn't working for me.  I sort of hate when Michael becomes that type of asshole.  But I guess that's the point.  I also sort of hated the whole Kevin trying to make Pam lactate gag.
• I loved Kelly and Ryan playing Dance Dance Revolution holding hands. 
• The best moment of the night, though, was when Isabelle used her Whack-a-Mole skills on Angela. 

 

4.)  30 Rock - "Floyd"

I know 30 Rock hasn't been the strongest it's ever been recently, but it's still hitting all the right notes for me.  And I was definitely feeling last night's Floyd and prank-centric (note to Community - this is how we do an episode about practical jokes on television) episode.  Aside from causing viewer's freaky Kenmares, here's what else the show had to offer:

• Oh Liz Lemon, why does the universe hate you?  I loved that they not only brought Floyd back this episode, but that it was clear that there's no chance for Floyd and Liz with Floyd competing for a Today show wedding underneath Liz's office window.
• While I'm on the subject of love, I loved Liz's Christopher Cross-style love song for her reunion with Floyd.
• The Pranksmen returned, only to be met with far superior Silver Panthers.  I look forward to another showdown.
• More Kenneth stories.  Love 'em, especially when they lead to a solution for freaky Kenmares where Tracy and Jenna decide to "Elm Street" Kenneth.
• Best line of the evening goes to Jack: "They're Boston Irish Catholic, they mate for life.  Like swans.  Like drunken, angry swans."

Seven Sentence Review: 16 and Pregnant, Week 6 (Samantha)

The screaming; oh, the screaming.  I know this show is supposed to be informative (and possibly preventative), but if Samantha's labor didn't make a whole bunch of teenagers rethink awesome condomless make-up sex (Jenelle from Episode 1, I'm looking in your direction), I don't know what will.  (Public service announcement: the clip below is a short peek at Samantha's back labor before the doctor finally decided 1.) she could have an epidural and 2.) that the baby was only coming out via C-section.  Do NOT watch this clip if that viewing of The Miracle of Life in high school still haunts your nightmares.  Because that calm, '70s natural childbirth lady doesn't live on MTV.)  But anyway, before Samantha was an oxygen mask-ripping ball of screaming pain, she was this season's pregnant daughter of a  pregnant former teen mom (who was cool through, but gave her daughter an eyebrow raise when reminded that she was going to be both a mom and grandma at 33 that would have stopped me mid-syllable).  This teen mom raised by a teen mom business was actually handled pretty well, as both of Samantha's parents were able to offer her really good advice and guidance based on their own experience.  MTV doesn't always have a deft hand when it comes to class issues, but this week we didn't play rich mom or poor mom as much as we sometimes do; Samantha's family was clearly not well-off, but the economic cloud that sometimes rolls into an episode of 16 and Pregnant didn't seem to linger as much this time.  But what really stuck with me - aside from the screaming and that baby's crazy hair - was Samantha's final interview.  There's always a sad moment in every episode of 16 and Pregnant, but when the teen mom talks about how her new identity has changed her self-image and makes her feel like a disappointment (even though she loves her baby very much), I can't help but try to wrap my arms around the t.v. and tell her it's going to be okay.  

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

For that extra touch of class...

Even though I'm the proud owner of a TiVo and thus have the power - and possibly the right - to skip over commercials, when I enjoy a program with the rest of America I can't avoid being advertised to.  And I have to admit that watching commercials can often be a rewarding experience for the seasoned television viewer (especially one like myself who rarely takes things seriously).  And, after some careful consideration, I've decided that no commercial rewards more than the local ad.

Right now, there's a local ad for a nearby golf course that I see at least once every night.  And every night this ad cracks me up even though it is designed to give straightforward information about how one can hold a special event at this particular golf course.  I'd name the golf course or try to find a YouTube clip of the t.v. spot if I could, but I honestly can't remember the name.  This is because the  name of the golf course/country club/event space is not what interests me.  Not that this ad fails, technically; the message gets across - I know I can hold an event there, and I think there's a "b" in the name.  It's just that at the end of the day, what amuses me has very little to do with golf or entertaining.

So, what's really grabbing my attention?  Well, in the ad, a man on the golf course talks about how he likes a good party, but nothing beats a party at a golf course, because man, that's a classy affair (I'm paraphrasing, so those are my words, not his).  You might be asking yourself, what's so funny?  Who doesn't think that a party at a golf course has that extra bit of class that we all like when we mark special occasions?  Well, here's how the strange workings of my brain jam things up: Every time I see this ad, I can't help thinking about the "Mike's Marbleopolis" sketch with Scarlett Johansson from SNL.  And, to paraphrase the commercial, all I can think of is, "Who throws parties here, the Pope?"*

For your viewing enjoyment, I'm including the SNL sketch.

----------------------------
* And, to be really honest, ever since this bit aired a few years ago, I've run into many "you gotta get yourself some marble columns" situations.  These mostly occur when I'm being a wiseass in response to someone else's requests for honest feedback about home decor.

I came here to win

Because it's Tuesday, and because my head is aching, and because I really, really like it, I'm going to post my favorite montage ever - "I'm not here to make friends": A Montage. This was compiled by Rich Juzwiak at fourfour, who is probably well known to fans of Pot Psychology at Jezebel (he's the guy that's not Tracie Egan Morrissey in those videos).  I'd like to say that this is in honor of the new seasons of Dancing with the Stars and The Celebrity Apprentice or even for the love of Bret, but then you might think I'm here for the wrong reasons.

Seven Sentence Review: Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution (Sneak Preview)

Back before he was a vintage truck-driving British crusader in West Virginia, Jamie Oliver was a pretty fun, sorta goofy Vespa-riding Naked Chef, who I freely admit I miss (that show where he hangs out in his English country kitchen and cooks things sitting down doesn't do much for me).  While it's got an interesting message of nutrition and change behind it, something's a little off in the Ryan Seacrest-produced Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, and it may have a lot do with my problems related to the most famous show Seacrest produces.  Like Keeping up with the Kardashians, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution comes off as an over-produced mission show about healthy eating with no story about how or why the project came into being aside from the government statistic that Huntington, West Virginia was the most unhealthy town in the United States.  Simply put: in the same way we don't really know why the Kardashians are interesting enough to to be famous and on television, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution's tells us nothing about how his work in Huntington fits into the real world of multiple viewpoints.  While there's talk of controversy surrounding Jamie Oliver coming to town to mess with how people eat, there's no explanation of how he gained access to any part of Huntington or his struggle for general acceptance.  We see the problems he faces in little ways - most notably in the rightful disdain of the cooks at the local elementary school and his early interview with the local radio DJ - but there's nothing else that really shows, rather than tells us, about what Oliver is up against.  The show casts clear heroes (Oliver, Pastor Steve) and villains (everyone who is skeptical of or plain against Oliver) which doesn't ring true for a reality show; we see life, but only a little of it.

Verdict:  Will I keep watching?  Probably, but I think we're all going to need a little more meat with our salads in order to really become active viewers who care about what's at stake.

Friday Morning Quarterbacking: Spring Fever Edition

After a cold and snowy snap in February, spring (that season we sometimes pass over completely) has come early to the Northeast and everyone's out and about, running, eating outside, and experiencing allergy attacks earlier than usual.  Still, it was nice to come home with a head full of pollen on Thursday evening to a full slate of new television.  I was so taken by the spring air that I almost watched The Marriage Ref in order to form my own opinion of it.  Sadly, however, I didn't make it past the credits.  But I tried.  And for me this week, that was enough.  Let's take a look at what I did manage to watch:

1.  Community - "Beginner Pottery"
This week, the cast was divided into two groups taking easy-pass elective classes with Jeff, Abed, and Annie taking the titular "Beginner Pottery" and Pierce, Britta, Troy, and Shirley taking a week long intensive sailing class in the parking lot (with the ever-present Starburns).  Musings:

• Sailing in the parking lot was great for highlighting the absurdity of how a real-world skills class is taught in simulated circumstances and was also a fantastic sight gag when Shirley sailed into the "storm" to "save" Pierce.
• As someone who has taken classes that are non-competitive and has then become intensely focused on competing with the best/most praised student in the class, I really, really liked Jeff's obsessive and competitive approach to Beginner Pottery.
• Excellent use of Arrested Development's Tony Hale (late of Chuck) as the laid-back pottery teacher (his students are his "Blueberries") with explicit rules against "Ghosting" in any form and The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody."
• Mother-related flashbacks.
• Best line: "You just failed a class so easy people passing by in the hallway get a contact credit."

 

2. Parks and Recreation -  "Park Safety"

Parks and Recreation has been working on developing the characters and their nuances a bit more this year (which is why things have gotten so darn funny) and one of the main avenues this week's episode traveled down was developing Jerry, the perpetual butt of every joke at the Parks Department.  Even Leslie Knope, do-gooder and sensitive boss extraordinaire can't help but pile on the Jerry jokes.  The inexplicable annoyances and humor that Jerry causes is reminiscent of the way Micheal (and all managers) respond to Toby (and most HR people) on The Office, only it seems to be more well-done here on Parks and Recreation.  Impressions:

• The office dynamic around Jerry was both hilarious and balanced, with Mark as the voice of reason noting that there might be a problem when an employee worries about teasing from his co-workers.  Yet Jerry couldn't stop being hilarious and frustrating (and actually doesn't really mind it much), so Mark's preachiness didn't ruin our fun.
• I don't know what to think of Ann's desire to warm up to Andy again, though it's probably being done to prepare for Mark's (Paul Schneider's) exit at the end of the season.  I like the general idea of a love triangle, and there's definitely been some tension added to the Mark-Ann relationship after the Valentine's Day episode, but I'm not sure I like this particular love triangle.  Or maybe I just really like the idea of Andy and April and think that Ann could be off doing something better with her time, like being a nurse.
• A time share in Muncie, Indiana.  Love it. 
• Jerry's presentation made for a fun day at the office and good t.v.
• Andy Samberg's guest spot didn't do much for me.  I liked the outdoor voice joke all right, but I felt that he didn't add much to the episode.  Or maybe I'm just comparing his guest spot unfairly to Fred Armisen's turn as the Venezuelan sister-city ambassador.
• My two favorite moments from last night's episode were Tom-related.  First, I loved Leslie's dead on impersonation of Tom. (Thinking about it now, I sort of knew Amy Poehler's and Aziz Ansari's voices were pitched similarly, but I didn't realize she'd nail him that awesomely.  But it's Amy Poehler, so I shouldn't be surprised).  Second, I loved the "hop off and run along side the golf cart" gag.

 

3.)  The Office - "New Leads"

With another solid work-related episode in place, it seems like The Office is trying to slowly win back my trust.  We're not there yet, but it's nice to know that they're trying to make up for what they know they did (hint: clip show).  And while the Sabre plot is still clunky as all get-out, showing its effects on the behavior of the employees - particularly the sales staff - was a smart move. Thoughts:

• I sort of liked the way that the changes in management have prompted an office culture in which it's not the staff vs. Michael but sales vs. everyone else (at least, until Michael screws up).  I guess sometimes all you need to do is re-draw the battle lines.
• I liked how Michael's actions actually had a purpose - to be a teachable moment - rather than simply being vindictive (though there was that, too).  I also liked how Michael's actions forced other action, specifically, making members of the cast interact with each other in individual and varied ways.  Best examples: Stanley manipulating the argument between Ryan and Kelly (love those) to win back his leads and Erin and Andy's extremely awkward game of hot and cold.
• Michael and Dwight's garbage fight was a nice little bit of physical comedy.
• We got another winning Kelly Kapur line: "Jim, don't use your cute baby to make us like you."
• The final scene where Erin gives Andy her jacket because he's cold at the dump makes me think there are hilariously awkward possibilities for the future of that relationship.

4.)  30 Rock - "Don Geiss, America and Hope"

This week's episode flowed nicely from last week's episode as Jack struggled to find something to do with himself now that Kabletown (with a surprisingly Comcast-like logo) has entered the picture and Liz struggled with the recurring presence of her "Future Husband," Wesley (Snipes! HA!).  Observations:

• I really sort of enjoyed the Liz/Wesley plot and how they couldn't avoid each other.  I also like the added benefit of Welsey's presence: his British vocabulary ("Gangway for the footcycle!")
• Tracy's sex "scandal" because he doesn't cheat on his wife - and the fact that his faithfulness is a reputation-killer - was a good showcase for Tracy Morgan this week.  Especially because that showcase had Tracy Jordan trying to seduce Liz Lemon and dissolving in tears.
• I like how the "settling" plot has sort of gone unresolved.  The only place it was problematic, however, was the "porn for women" joke at the end of episode.  It seems like the writers settled for an easy, sort of tired gag.
• I would personally like to thank all parties involved for the Liz-related vocabulary the show has developed over the season ("Lizzing," "Lemoning it"), but I will never be more grateful than I am for the word "Lizaster."

Seven Sentence Review: 16 and Pregnant, Week 5 (Lori)

After watching this week's episode of MTV's 16 and Pregnant, I was asking the age-old question: how much can you know another person, especially if you're watching her teenage pregnancy and open adoption unfold on MTV?  This week's episode about Lori, that followed her indecision about whether or not to choose adoption for her son, followed last week's lead and presented a functioning parent-child relationship that dealt with the struggle over what to do about an unexpected teen pregnancy.  What really struck me, though, was how this episode presented the viewing audience of 16 and Pregnant with something new: subtlety and nuance. The most interesting parts of this episode were the things we didn't - and couldn't - know about Lori, her family, and why adoption was so strongly advocated by her parents (though it was really easy to infer from her mother's reaction to the idea of a baby shower and some of the comments that her parents made that Lori's own immaturity and general misunderstanding of the gravity of the situation played a HUGE role).  The stress in the episode was palatable: from Lori's parents' insistence on adoption and stress at the prospect of watching their daughter make a bad decision (and then having to deal with those consequences) to Lori's own struggle to decide the right course of action for her son, which was complicated by both her desire for a blood relation and her ex-boyfriend, Cory's, pipe-dreams presented as a life plan (the television audience would also like to send a big thank you to Lori's mom for her whole "why don't you two try living together idea" that seemed to last all of about 5 minutes).  And while the episode was unbelievably sad as we watched Lori struggle with feeling pressured to give up her baby and finding out that keeping him wasn't an option either, all I could think about was the running theme of "parental decisions" that stretched throughout the episode as we discussed Lori's mom's own decision to put her up for adoption, Lori's parents' attempts to steer everyone onto the right course, and that final moment where Lori handed over her baby to his adoptive parents.  No ugly text messages this week, only the struggle to do the right thing and deal with with sadness that sometimes comes with that path.

(Extra sentences:  Thanks to MTV for showing us a teenager who had actually heard of - and been on - birth control.  A second thanks for making to super-clear that those warnings about not mixing antibiotics and the pill are for reals.)

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

We're all very lucky I don't hand out medical advice

Sometimes I end up making the old Homer Simpson mistake of misunderstanding the parts of speech in a particular phrase and get a mental image that's miles away from what's being described.  Case in point: Yesterday, someone said the phrase "smooth muscle relaxer" to me.  I came up with this:

I hate when you can see the ventriloquist's lips moving

Oh Lady Gaga, I really wish I could like what you do.  But I don't.  Actually, I'll correct that.  I sort of liked "Bad Romance," but mostly because while the video tried to do a bit more than showcase a dance song, Lady Gaga's pretentiousness didn't overpower the whole.  Trying to do something interesting with straight-up pop/dance music?  Fine, I'm on board.  Not knowing when testing limits slips into the bad type of absurdity?  No good.

Mostly I just don't like Lady Gaga because she tries too hard.  While I heard good and shocked reviews of "Telephone" with Beyonce, after watching the entire video and wondering how I can travel back to 10:30 and do something else with my time, I just can't get on board.  Those nine and a half minutes are bad Skinemax, Thelma and Louise, and Kill Bill mashed together in a way that makes the whole enterprise seem like an excuse for costume changes and for Lady Gaga's stylists to show what, exactly, they can do to her hair. And why isn't anyone doing anything very interesting with Beyonce?  Last time I checked, she was in the video, too.  Oh yeah, and the women's prison stuff?  To me, it just seems exploitative.  And yes, you can exploit yourself.  Especially when several parts of your video appear to exist only to display your pasties. 

While a music video is traditionally a showcase for a song, "Telephone" tries to go the Michael Jackson "Thriller" short movie route and ends up being too labored and gimmicky.  Actually, if I could travel back in time, I would watch "Thriller" instead.  The song, "Telephone," is chopped up in odd ways that makes it so entirely secondary to the spectacle that it seems unnecessary.  And I can't be sure, but I think video version leaves out a verse. Or maybe I just think the radio version of the song goes on forever.  With me, you never really know. 

Yes, I know this is all about subversion and deconstruction and all that, but it comes off like a new grad student showing off the first bit of high theory she ever understood and ruining Thanksgiving for everyone.

But you don't have to take my word for it.  Watch and decide for yourself.

 

Strays:

• Nice job making this a Virgin Mobile commercial, too.  Because I didn't need something else to roll my eyes at.
• I saw the fuss over MTV banning this.  But they don't show videos at a time of day when anyone's awake to see them, so I'm not sure why that matters much.
• And Jai Rodriguez, what are you doing playing a reporter in a Lady Gaga/Beyonce video?  Why aren't you planning that Queer Eye reunion I've been dreaming of?  I have no idea what Kyan's been up to and frankly, I'm starting to worry.

Elton, play us out

This just felt right on a rainy Friday night.

The coolest thing I own...

And it is slowly, but surely, becoming completely see-through. As my Nomo shirt wears thin, I keep thinking about gathering all the old co-workers to sing an off-key charity single in honor of the old school swim team shirts we helped each other steal.

Friday Morning Quarterbacking

After my week-long writing hiatus (if anyone asks, I was on a vision quest), I've decided to start another regular posting feature*, "Friday Morning Quarterbacking," in which I'll discuss what happened during my big Thursday evening of television watching.  Since NBC has been strong  on Thursday nights this season (what I fondly remember as "Must-See TV"), I'll mostly stick to their comedy line-up.  But, if my focus shifts, then so will my writing.

So, let's get started.  Here's my recap of Thursday night, in order of appearance:

1.) Community - "Basic Genealogy"
It was family day at Greendale Community College, and it started off a strong night of comedy.  In short, having the families of the Greendale community descend on the campus and interact did not disappoint.  Here are some highlights:

• The opening, blink-and-you'll-miss-it shot of the Greendale Human Being and the mini-Human Being family member.  The characters mentioned it if you missed it, but it was still a rewarding opener if you saw it.
• Best line - Shirley's pleasant-sounding revenge plan when Jeff tells the group that Michelle dumped him: "I'll give Jeff a shoulder to cry on and you boys put a dead bird in that bitch's glove compartment."
• Pictionary and the problems Pictionary causes from Pierce's guesses, "Smiling sideways vagina, happy sideways vagina," to the aftermath of the Senor Chang/Pierce/windmill misunderstanding/police involvement incident.

2.) Parks and Recreation - "The Possum"
Again, I will never be able to fully express how glad I am that this show finally hit the right pace and tone and is now one of the funniest shows on television.  Leslie Knope's struggle to find the right criminal possum and the truth in Pawnee captured the absurdity of town politics in the pitch-perfect fashion that Parks and Recreation has managed all season. Highlights and observations:

• I love that Leslie isn't silly anymore (like she was in season 1), and that the things that make her appear silly to others in Pawnee are simple refusals to compromise her principles that endear her to the audience.  In this case, I couldn't help but like her for giving the possibly-innocent possum to the zoo rather than to Mayor Gunderson so that he could stuff it and then indirectly pee on it.
• I'm still enjoying the April/Andy plot and the way that April's feelings and insecurities are being portrayed on the show.  Also, now that Leslie's figured out what's going on, I'm excited to see what might happen.
• I really liked that Mark had something to do.  And that that something to do happened while bringing Ron's super violation of a workshop up to code was a bonus.  And there was a canoe.
• I worried about Rashida Jones's absence this week**.  I like her as an actress.  But her character, Ann, was out of town for most of this episode.  And she wasn't really missed.

3.) The Office - "St. Patrick's Day"
I still haven't healed from the recent clip show, but after last week's non-sappy baby episode and this week's office-focused episode, I cautiously want to think things might be back on track.  But we'll see.  One quibble, though.  It might have been wise to air the St. Patrick's Day episode next week, on the day after St. Patrick's Day.  But maybe Scranton exists in the future.  Thoughts:

• I'm sort of glad that Kathy Bates's Jo is leaving Scranton.  The Sabre merger has been awkward (and not the good awkward that works for The Office) and having an actress like Kathy Bates in this particular role feels more like stunt casting than an actual contribution to the story.  That said, I liked the tension between Jo and Michael throughout the episode and the working-late standoff.  Also, I felt as though Michael actually ended up being semi-professional and semi-boss-like when he finally dismissed the staff.  It was also nice to see the staff of Dunder Mifflin on Michael's side.
• I liked the Dwight/Jim desk gags and the way that Dwight used Jim's desire to be home with Pam and the baby to get (successfully) under Jim's skin.  It was a nice way to bring back the tension between Jim and Dwight back, since that's always worked for the show.  
• Andy and Erin's first date at her house was excellent, and the presence of her foster brother (and the Flowers in the Attic vibe) has definitely raised the comedic stakes in an unexpected way.
• Darryl's move upstairs seems potentially interesting.
• Speaking of absent characters, I didn't miss Pam and the smug JimPam that's been in the office this season.  I hope they bring her back to work in a way that helps the show and gives Jenna Fischer something good to work with.

4.) 30 Rock - "Future Husband"
It's probably just me, but I really needed this week's "everything works out in the end" message.  So, thank you, 30 Rock.  A little more:

• I loved the aftermath of Liz Lemon's root canal anesthesia, especially the Future Husband/Future Wife mystery phone numbers plot with Wesley (Michael Sheen).  And I really, really liked that they don't get along, agree, or like each other at at all: "Do you like Tex-Mex?" "No. See you there."
• Back when Comcast did its deal with NBC, someone somewhere who I don't remember wondered how this would impact the fictional NBC of 30 Rock.  Well, with the sale of the company to KableTown from Philadelphia, I guess we know now.
• The corporate wrangling, Jack's paranoia, the Jack Welch cameo, and the Don Geiss is secretly dead plot was an excellent showcase for Alec Baldwin this week.  And a very convenient way to create an exit for Rip Torn.
• I want to see Tracy's one-man show, "Claps-Giving Yay Har-ade" (the version where he doesn't read the phone book).
• I like that we're making fun of CNBC and its anchors.  And I love when Brian Williams shows up.  And Elizabeth Banks is nice. But I've seen her everywhere recently and I think she needs to cool it with the guest starring on popular comedies on major networks for a bit because her line deliveries are the same regardless of the show and it's all running together in an unpleasant way.

--------------------------
* In addition to my 5-7 Sentence Reviews of 16 and Pregnant and other programming of a similar nature.
** In my imagination, she wasn't in this episode because Karen Filippelli and Pam Beesly-Halpert had a playdate off -camera on The Office.

Seven Sentence Review: 16 and Pregnant, Week 4 (Chelsea)

On this week's episode of 16 and Pregnant, the maturity gap grew wider as Chelsea struggled to figure out how to be a teenager and a good mom (stressing over being a bad mom when she decided to go to Homecoming even though her father was in full babysitting mode) while her boyfriend Adam struggled to spell his vile text messages correctly. Chelsea - who went into labor in math class on the first day of school - appeared extremely grounded and fortunate in this episode as she had the familial resources to adjust to motherhood and have open discussions with her family and friends about how her life has changed and what personal goals (like finishing high school) she should be meeting.  While her boyfriend led her into an increasingly downward spiral of stress and sadness as he pretty much acted like himself, Chelsea's episode didn't have the same heaviness and sadness that some episodes do.  While editing obviously plays a role in everything on television, there was something even-tempered about Chelsea and her life that decreased my stress as a viewer and made me think she and her daughter were going to be all right.  With four episodes aired, I've noticed a few recurring patterns in this season of 16 and Pregnant:
1.) More attention to troubling/controlling relationship behavior especially related to the way that cell phones and technology escalate those situations
2.) Some more explicitly stated reasons for keeping babies, particularly, but not exclusively, related to family pro-life stances (though not in every case since abortion has been explicitly mentioned)
3.) A discussion of high-risk scenarios related to birth and infant health (we saw a little of this in Season 1 with Amber and Gary's daughter's respiratory issues, but both Valerie and Chelsea's babies experienced unexpected health issues at birth).
Also, I wondered last week about whether or not MTV would portray the legal issues related to this type of situation (if they arose), and it's like the television gods heard me.  This week, MTV took us inside a lawyer's office so that Chelsea could change her baby's last name to match her own after Adam's (again, terribly spelled and vile) text message that alluded to him surrendering his paternal rights.

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows

They did it again

Six Sentence Review: 16 and Pregnant, Week 3 (Valerie)

I'm a few days behind on my TV viewing, but when I was watching this particular episode I couldn't help but wonder if a certain participant was advertising his many talents - general fertility and an ability to beatbox (call me, music industry!).  I'm probably too jaded, since I tend to think that most periphery figures on reality shows have ulterior motives that have nothing to do with the actual story being told, especially when the media exposure for a teenager comes in the form of an MTV camera crew.  I've also noticed what seems to be a stronger presence of the otherwise unseen producers in this season of 16 and Pregnant with family members and friends in obviously scripted moments designed to reveal information about how the pregnancy occurred, the status of inter-personal relationships, and thoughts about impending parenthood.  This technique might work better on both 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom (where I first noticed it) if someone either 1.) figured out how teenagers actually ask questions or just allowed them to put the questions in their own words, or 2.) did some slightly slicker editing, or 3.) acknowledged the role of outsiders in the process, or 4.) gave the "interviewers" a little more prepping.  I do have one burning question about 16 and Pregnant, though, that's been bothering me for a while: This season especially, but even in the past, many of the girls featured on the show are 15ish with significantly older boyfriends.  While I don't know exactly what I want to say about it, in many of those relationships there seems to be age of consent issues that MTV does not address - possibly because the participants are not making an issue about it or because it's a very tricky matter in general - but I am surprised that with all the honesty seemingly involved in the show, there are gaping holes about legal issues, particularly this one (child support, custody, and paternity, which we saw a little of in this episode, are a couple of others off the top of my head).

MTV's 16 and Pregnant - MTV Shows